Happy Towel Day

Oi, you hoopy froods.  It's Towel Day, and if you don't know what that is, feel free to go educate yourself while the rest of us (more worthy) folks talk about Pan Galactic Gargle Blasters.

The Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster, according to the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, is the best drink in existence, the effect of which is like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

The recipe is written in great, intergalactic detail within the pages of what I consider to be one of the best literary series of all time.

This, however, is a recipe for the more broke and earthbound among us.

PAN GALACTIC GARGLE BLASTER

1 oz Svedka Citron vodka

1 oz limoncello

3 ice cubes

6 oz Mountain Dew

Splash of 100 proof peppermint schnapps, poured over the back of a spoon
1 sour gummy worm

Sprinkle of ginger

1 olive

Drink... but very carefully....

Bacon 'kaken

Pannekaken are thin, awesome Norwegian pancakes.  They're usually served with lingonberry jam, but it's a bit hard to find in the US, so I got all 'sperimental with the flavors--plus, we all know everything goes better with bacon. True, it isn't quite in keeping with the ol' nordic roots, but I'd like to think that cramming tasty meats into every possible recipe would make my viking ancestors proud.

This one's based on a pannekaken recipe I found on allrecipes.com, but pimped out for maximum gluten-free awesomeness.  Oh, and trust me on the cardamom--not only is it a common ingredient in Scandinavian baked goods, it's a great segue between the sweet syrup and lovely, savory bacon.

BACON PANNEKAKEN

1 cup gluten free flour mix

1 1/2 cup milk (I usually use almond milk, but do what you will)

3 eggs

1/4 tsp baking powder
1/4 tsp salt

2-3 tbsp maple syrup

1/4+ tsp cardamom

5-6 strips delicious bacon

Fry bacon in a medium-sized skillet until crispy.  Crumble bacon onto a paper towel, and drain most of the bacon grease from the skillet (leave enough for pannekaken cooking-up).

Beat together milk, eggs, and maple syrup, then add flour, salt, and cardamom and mix well.  Like, really well.  Put it all in a blender if you have to.  Stir in bacon.

Reheat skillet over medium heat.  Add about 1/4 cup of batter and tilt skillet around to make a thin layer.  Cook for a minute or two, until top looks somewhat dry and bubbly.  Flip and cook for a few seconds, then remove to plate and repeat with more batter.

Douse with more maple syrup--or elusive lingonberry jam--and eat the suckers.  Eat them all.

Sketti Tacos

The man-thing and I have a friend in town for Spring Break, which none of us actually have off.  Anyhoo, call us giant nerds (it wouldn't be the first time), but we love us some iCarly.  If you haven't watched it, you're missing out... unless you don't like witty, semi-absurd programming aimed at the young people, in which case you probably wouldn't want to watch television with us.

Either way, there's a dish that frequently turns up on the show--Spaghetti Tacos.  It's an odd enough concept that we felt the irrepressible need to make our own, and I must say, they came out smashingly.

SKETTI TACOS

1 lb ground beef

1 jar spaghetti sauce

1 box gluten-free spaghetti OR angel hair pasta

2 tsp Italian herb blend

1 clove garlic, minced

1/2 tsp salt

Olive oil

12-18 hard taco shells

Shredded parmesan OR mozzarella cheese

In a very large skillet, brown the ground beef in olive oil with garlic, herbs, and salt.  Stir in spaghetti sauce and drop heat to low.

Prepare spaghetti noodles according to the instructions on the box (I like DeBoles angel hair pasta, which takes about 8 min).  Drain well, then stir into the meat sauce.

Preheat the oven to 325 degrees.  Spread the taco shells out on a cookie sheet and put in the oven for about 5 minutes, or follow directions on the taco shell box.

Remove shells from oven and fill with spaghetti.  Top with your preferred amount of cheese.  Eat.  Repeat.

(Gluten-Free) Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World

Well, I said I'd take care of any gluten-free vegans out there, and take care I will.  As I mentioned before, I was vegan once upon a time, and the only thing that made life worth living then was one of the best cookbooks I've ever gotten my hands on, Vegan Cupcakes Take Over the World by Isa Moskowitz and Terry Romero.  

Granted, there are only two actual gluten-free recipes in it--and they were kind to include those--but I've tried several of the other, fancy-schmancier cupcakes with the substitution of my favorite gluten-free flour blend, and wouldn't you know it, almost all the recipes worked.  Here's a list of what I've tried, and how it worked:

GOLDEN VANILLA CUPCAKES--I have a very vague recollection of making these, once upon a time.  The bad news--I don't remember much about them.  The good news--I clearly wasn't traumatized by a bad baking experience.  I seem to remember them working out okay, but sinking just a bit at the top.  If you make them, use your good baking sense and give them a few more minutes if you think they need it.

YOUR BASIC CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE--More like THE BEST chocolate cupcake.  Not only has this recipe worked perfectly every time I've tried it--including with listed variants like Cookies 'n' Cream--it tastes amazing, and the texture is every bit as moist and magical as any glutinous chocolate cake you could dream up.  This is the sort of cupcake you can slip your ignorant family, friends, and co-workers, then cackle maniacally in the corner because they have no idea they're eating allergen-free.  More good news--this exemplary cupcake is the basis for a few other cupcakes in the book, such as:

CHOCOLATE CHERRY CREME CUPCAKES--Look at the picture up there.  Look at it.  Does that look like a good cupcake?  Well, guess what... it's a freaking GREAT cupcake.  Plus, the layers of flavor make you feel oh-so-fancy and accomplished.  I went with extra un-frozen cherries instead of candied cherries for the toppers, which looks worse but tastes better, so you have your options.  I haven't tried the kirsch variation, but really, since when has a cupcake not been better with booze?

CARROT CAKE CUPCAKES--Good stuff.  The recipe claims to really burst with goodies, but I called shenanigans and packed in almost twice as much of the walnuts and spices.  The result was a bit sinky in the middle, but otherwise just peachy.  By which, of course, I mean carroty and nutty and spicy. And delicious-y.

GINGERBREAD CUPCAKES--You can just tell these really want to sink, but don't let them!  If you give them the maximum recommended bake time, the most sinkage you should get is a small, soft dent in the middle.  That said, it does nothing to hinder the dense, tasty, gingerbread-y awesomeness that this recipe turns out.  Keep stirring the batter while you're filling the pan, though--the ginger chunks like to sink to the bottom, so someone could end up with a serious mouthful of spice.

CRIMSON VELVETEEN CUPCAKES--I'm a sucker for red velvet cake, and these deliver.  Be warned, though--the batter is thin enough to most likely make you nervous, and the tops don't rise very much.  The texture is dense and moist and pleasant, though, so if you have an aversion to flat cupcakes, make a batch of these and get over it.  I also tried the corresponding Old-Fashioned Velvet Icing, but as a cooked icing that relies on a few tablespoons of flour for texture, it didn't come out so well.  I prefer my red velvet cake with cream cheese frosting anyway, so just pick your favorite topping and skip the cooked crap.

BANANA SPLIT CUPCAKES--Good 'n' tasty.  The preserves make them a bit dense and keep them from rising much, but the texture turns out fine.  I haven't tried the 'Elvis' variation, and I went much easier on the toppings than the picture in the book suggests, but it seems like a cupcake that can handle a high hill o' frosting.

CHOCOLATE & VANILLA MARBLE CUPCAKES--Given the success of the individual batters involved--particularly the chocolate--I'm not sure why these didn't turn out better.  To be fair, they did taste great, but the centers sank to varying and saddening degrees.  I haven't given them another go yet, but I have a theory--I think the time it takes to swirl the batters, coupled with the swirling itself, causes the baking powder to lose momentum.  If you do try the recipe, get them in the oven as fast as possible, then over-bake those suckers into submission. 

TOASTED COCONUT CUPCAKES--This was the first cupcake recipe I tried, and it was good enough to singlehandedly create a monster.  These are just plain awesome.  The chocolate, coffee, and coconut combination is pumped to the frosting with amazingness, and if you don't like it, well... that's your problem.

CHOCOLATE MINT CUPCAKES--Another early hit.  The book doesn't lie when it tells you that the mint frosting, although tasty, doesn't quite hold up without the ganache, so pile on a good bit of both and enjoy.

DULCE SIN LECHE CUPCAKES--These are fairly convoluted, what with the odd ingredients in the brown rice caramel glaze, but they're good.  If you're into dulce de leche with a hint of citrus, it's probably worth the extra effort--along with time spent looking for powdered soy milk, which I found nearly impossible to hunt down.  They come out nice and light, though, so if nothing else you can force empathy from your friends by repeatedly mentioning just how long they took to pull together.

COCONUT LIME CUPCAKES--My favorite summer-or-whenever-the-weather-breaks-70-degrees cupcake, not to mention the one I'm most often badgered into baking.  I think I once made them four weekends in a row, and for no good reason other than to stuff my face with them.

CHAI LATTE CUPCAKES--These, along with the 'Earl of Grey' variant, are simple and delicious.  They require little to no frosting, so they're not much of a cupcake's cupcake, if you will.  That doesn't make them any less good, though.

PISTACHIO ROSEWATER CUPCAKES--To be honest, I don't know if anyone randomly craves the combination of pistachios and rosewater.  That being said, these turned out really well.  They puffed nicely, and the taste and texture were irreproachable.  Probably not the kind of cupcake you make to cram after a crappy day at work, but definitely the kind of cupcake you foist on your friends and acquaintances to make them think you're interesting.

RUM RAISIN CUPCAKES--My absolute favorite cupcake for events, or anything that can be construed as an event.  There's just enough booze to make you feel saucy, but not nearly enough to make you photocopy your bum at the office party.  Also, they taste so amazing that I feel the need to both capitalize and italicize it, then follow it with several exclamation points.  Like this--AMAZING!!!

PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP CUPCAKES--Another completely awesome, sturdy little cupcake.  These are dense, moist, and pretty much perfect, which I chalk up to the fact that using pumpkin in your baking makes your bakes exponentially better.  Also, pumpkin and chocolate mixed together is fantastic.  If you haven't tried it, you should go get on that.  Like, right now.

APPLE CIDER CUPCAKES--Ah, finally a failure.  Despite trying the recipe, then retrying with different proportions, I just couldn't get them to come out as anything over than a soggy, sticky mess--plus, reducing the cider is a right pain in the bum.  That said, next to cupcakes, apple cider is one of my favorite things, so at some point I'll be trying this recipe again, and if need be again, until I achieve the combined joy of cider and cupcakes.

BLUEBERRY LEMON CREME CUPCAKES--Like most saucy, high-piled cupcakes, these are both messy and totally delicious.  They come out great, but they do threaten to get soggy faster than the average cupcake, so force them on your friends or eat them fast.  It shouldn't be hard.

When I get around to trying more of the cupcakes in the book, I'll post updates with the results.  In the meantime, like with most gluten-free baked goods, you should probably stow leftover cupcakes in the fridge... if there are any.

beer can SUCK IT: Two Meat Chili with Hard Cider

It's come to my attention that too many delicious foods in this world are made with beer.  Losing the beer means losing key flavor, but keeping it means gluten-freebies are left out in the sad, booze-less cold, figuratively speaking.  Fortunately, there's a whole wide world of hard cider out there, just waiting for you to drink it, love it, and put it in your food.

In this case, I've taken the forbidden awesomeness that is beer-laced chili and replaced the beer with cider.  I personally like to use Strongbow--it's widely available, and it's a nice, dry cider that won't add too much apple flavor where it's not needed or wanted.

I use a 6 qt slow cooker for jobs like this, but if you don't have one--and can't be put upon to go get one--just layer the ingredients in a nice big pot and simmer for about an hour.

TWO MEAT CHILI with HARD CIDER

1 lb ground pork

1 lb ground beef

2 tbsp olive oil

4-6 garlic cloves, minced

2 large onions, chopped

2 red bell peppers, chopped

2 cans diced tomatoes

2 tbsp ground cumin

2 tbsp chili powder

2 teaspoons dried oregano

1 1/2 tsp salt

1 tsp cayenne pepper

2 6 oz cans tomato paste

1 tbsp maple syrup

1/2 cup water

1 bottle hard cider (I prefer Strongbow)

1 15 oz can black beans

1 15 oz can pinto beans

1/2 cup chopped fresh cilantro

Brown the pork, then the beef with the in olive oil.  Add garlic.  Put both meats into a 6+ qt slow cooker, then cover with onions, bell peppers, and diced tomatoes.  

In a medium sized bowl, mix the tomato paste, salt, cumin, chili powder, oregano, cayenne, maple syrup, and water.  Spoon evenly over the contents of the slow cooker.

Add the beans and cilantro to the slow cooker, then pour cider over the top.  Cook on high 5-6 hours, or low 10-12 hours.  If the chili is too thin for your tastes, remove the lid and let it cook for another hour.  If it's too thick, you can always add more cider.

Top with an excess of shredded cheese, if that's your thing (it's certainly my thing).  If you like cornbread with your chili, Gluten Free Pantry makes a good cornbread mix.  I'd recommend adding a bit less sugar than the box tells you.  I'd also recommend crumbling the final result into your chili and mixing it around until it's all saturated and wonderful.  Then I'd recommend eating it, because it's AWESOME.

Taking Back Baking: Flour That Won't Kill You

Ah, flour... or, in Celiac terms, the root of all evil.  All-purpose flour and its fancier cousins are the forefront of the gluten menace, and holy toast are they ever in everything.

The good news is, there are substitutes.  Good substitutes.  Yes, that does mean you'll have to substitute it yourself, but if you're complaining about making your own food AND you've been gluten intolerant for more than five minutes, you clearly don't want those gluten-free cookies badly enough.  Get your lazy arse off my blog, and don't come back until you've sorted out your priorities.

For the rest of you, here's my go-to all-purpose flour recipe:

-3 cups rice flour (I use brown rice flour, because it's all healthy and stuff)
-1 cup potato starch
-1/2 cup tapioca starch
-A pinch of xanthan gum, if you're feeling frisky (Fun Fact: xanthan gum helps your food stick together, since gluten isn't around to do it.  It's not always necessary, though--especially if you're using eggs--so I usually leave it out of the flour mix and just add it to recipes that need the extra bit o' binding)

If you want a smaller or bigger batch, that's where logic comes in.  Just stick with the proportions--in other words, 6 parts rice flour to 2 parts potato starch to 1 part tapioca starch.  Plus maybe some xanthan gum, for friskiness.

Now, this is where you can afford to be kind of lazy-- if buying a bunch of different flours and mixing them yourself isn't cheap and easy enough for you, Gluten Free Pantry's All-Purpose Flour is made of the same blend of flours, in similar enough proportions that it works just the same.

There are also plenty of good mixes available for more specific baking, but for replacing glutinous all-purpose flour in most recipes, this blend is the tops.  Go buy a box or whip some up yourself, then dig up your grandma's most Celiac-unfriendly muffin recipe and try it out.  In roughly 20-22 minutes (not including prep-time, of course) you'll be frolicking in baked success.  And muffins.  Tasty, tasty muffins.

Why Gluten Can Suck It: A Brief Treatise

Unfortunately for me, I can't eat gluten.  If I do, my immune system ceases to coexist peacefully with my digestive system, and the result is something very much like intestinal Ragnarok.

Unfortunately for a lot of people (an increasing lot of people, at that), gluten intolerance and Celiac Disease are becoming more and more prevalent-- or at least, more and more noticed/acknowledged by healthcare professionals and amateurs alike.  That means an increasing lot of people whose intestines--like mine-- conspire to keep them from enjoying pretty much every food on God's green earth besides the green parts.

That's where the up-and-coming market for gluten-free foods and flours at health food stores (and, as of now, even respectably-sized grocery stores), gluten-free menus, and kind, allergen-conscious people at potlucks come in handy.  It's also where I come in handy.

I've been a Celiac for the last 6 years, which means I have plenty of experience living with it, but not so much that I've forgotten what 'real food' tastes like... and believe you me, I don't stand for food that tastes like crap, no matter what the allergenic limitations are.  I was even vegan for a few years in there, so when I say limitations, I mean limitations.  Italicized.

For the record, I've returned to the meat side because it's full of iron and protein.  And DELICIOUSNESS.  For any gluten-free vegans, though, suffice it to say I know your tribulations and totally intend to share lots of recipes just for you.  Just, y'know... don't be too frightened if you visit the page and the first recipe is something with twelve different kinds of meat and a pound of cheese on top.

From here on out, I'll be posting the best recipes I've found, fixed, or fabricated all by myself.  I'll also be giving out helpful tips and tricky tricks, along with any grand new gluten-free discoveries. There's a whole gluten-less world of surprise ingredients and substitutions, just waiting for you to conquer it and bend it to your will.

The point is, there's really no reason you should be kept away from awesome food just because your body has decided it wants to unleash all hell if you so much as look at gluten.  It's time to rise up against the tyranny of your own intestines.  I'm a firm believer in the right to bear arms and beer batter (even more so in the right to beer-battered bear arms... YUM), and I don't see why we can't eat exactly what we want, WHEN we want.

As long as, y'know... we have a few minutes to make most of it ourselves.